Fear

Time is ticking away.  Far off dates are looming closer and closer.


Wednesday, I have an appointment with my surgeon.  Friday, I have an appointment to get my stomach checked out.  (They're going to stick a camera down my throat into my stomach.)  I don't know which has me more freaked out.  

Wednesday terrifies me because though I'm losing weight, I'm afraid I won't have lost enough weight.  I've been strictly, or strictly for me, following the diet for about two and a half weeks.  So far, I've lost 22 pounds, 16 if you don't count the 6 I added between my initial appointment in January and the last time I was weighed.  I'm going with the 22 pounds, it makes me feel better.  Anyway, I've read and been told that if you don't lose weight or enough weight they will refuse to do the surgery.  I think, right now, that is my worst fear.  We'll have jumped through all the required hoops, scraped together the money, told our friends and family, and then - BAM! - sorry, Fatty, no surgery for you.


As if that wasn't scary enough, Friday they're going to put me under anesthetic and film my insides.  Talk about invasive!  


Then there is the surgery itself.  I know it's life-changing, but really, what does that mean? How many people have done life-altering changes?  Willingly?  What if something goes wrong?  What if I hate it?  What if it makes me sicker?


I try to keep the what ifs at bay by ignoring them.  If I ignore them, they'll go away, right?